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Herbert and Klutzy's First Meeting.

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Herbert and Klutzy's First Meeting.

Post  Sky Blue on 25/11/2012, 7:03 pm

It was a stormy night when Herbert was sitting on a rock all alone searching for a idea that could help him DESTROY Club Penguin. Herbert never loved anyone infact not even Sensei who himself taught him when he was a cub. Sometimes he used to remember those moments with the Sensei but he never really cared about him. One day while sitting there all alone Herbert heard a clicking noise coming from over the river. He saw that a little crab was trying to swim. Herbert was not amused and he started going back. Suddenly the crab made a clicking noise which reminded Herbert of the same tune his mother used to Hum to him when he was a cub. He then quickly crossed the river and got the crab before he drowned. Herbert's heart melted because of the crab's big, watery eyes and knew that the crab felt the same pain he felt. Herbert then took him to his lab.

He did some experiments on the crab which gave him a master-piece to destroy Club Penguin, The Clicking 9000. Herbert then tried to find a name for him. At first Herbert was making weird names like Herberto or Gonzalez but then after hearing all his clicking he named him Klutzy. As Klutzy grew up he became a partner in crime for Herbert. Herbert loved him more than his gadgets but never showed this affection to him. He sometimes used to hit him when he used to fail the tests Herbert had given him, but in the end he always ended up giving a speech to him saying '' Klutzy I do this for your own good, you have to AT LEAST complete these tests to help me''

After many years of training Klutzy was the mastermind in most of Herbert's plans. They both bonded closer every day even to this day they both remain good friends and partners in crime.
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Sky Blue
Citizen Penguin

Posts : 128
Join date : 2012-11-14
Location : USA

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Re: Herbert and Klutzy's First Meeting.

Post  Boy Wonder on 27/11/2012, 2:04 am

Here are some Mistakes...

It was a stormy night when Herbert was sitting on a rock all alone searching for a idea that could help him DESTROY Club Penguin. Herbert never loved anyone infact not even Sensei who himself taught him when he was a cub. Sometimes he used to remember those moments with the Sensei but he never really cared about him. One day while sitting there all alone Herbert heard a clicking noise coming from over the river. He saw that a little crab was trying to swim. Herbert was not amused and he started going back. Suddenly the crab made a clicking noise which reminded Herbert of the same tune his mother used to Hum to him when he was a cub. He then quickly crossed the river and got the crab before he drowned. Herbert's heart melted because of the crab's big, watery eyes and knew that the crab felt the same pain he felt. Herbert then took him to his lab.

He did some experiments on the crab which gave him a master-piece to destroy Club Penguin, The Clicking 9000. Herbert then tried to find a name for him. At first Herbert was making weird names like Herberto or Gonzalez but then after hearing all his clicking he named him Klutzy. As Klutzy grew up he became a partner in crime for Herbert. Herbert loved him more than his gadgets but never showed this affection to him. He sometimes used to hit him when he used to fail the tests Herbert had given him, but in the end he always ended up giving a speech to him saying
'' Klutzy I do this for your own good, you have to AT LEAST complete these tests to help me''

After many years of training Klutzy was the mastermind in most of Herbert's plans. They both bonded closer every day even to this day they both remain good friends and partners in crime.

Just remember, new speaker, new line...

Example:

Wrong -
"Hello" Jacob Said! "Hey Man How Are you?" Asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian. "Good thanks" Jacob Replied.

Correct -
"Hello" Jacob Said
"Hey man how are you?" asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian.
"Good thanks" Jacob replied.
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Boy Wonder
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Posts : 4
Join date : 2012-11-27

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Re: Herbert and Klutzy's First Meeting.

Post  Sky Blue on 27/11/2012, 12:09 pm

Boy Wonder wrote:Here are some Mistakes...

It was a stormy night when Herbert was sitting on a rock all alone searching for a idea that could help him DESTROY Club Penguin. Herbert never loved anyone infact not even Sensei who himself taught him when he was a cub. Sometimes he used to remember those moments with the Sensei but he never really cared about him. One day while sitting there all alone Herbert heard a clicking noise coming from over the river. He saw that a little crab was trying to swim. Herbert was not amused and he started going back. Suddenly the crab made a clicking noise which reminded Herbert of the same tune his mother used to Hum to him when he was a cub. He then quickly crossed the river and got the crab before he drowned. Herbert's heart melted because of the crab's big, watery eyes and knew that the crab felt the same pain he felt. Herbert then took him to his lab.

He did some experiments on the crab which gave him a master-piece to destroy Club Penguin, The Clicking 9000. Herbert then tried to find a name for him. At first Herbert was making weird names like Herberto or Gonzalez but then after hearing all his clicking he named him Klutzy. As Klutzy grew up he became a partner in crime for Herbert. Herbert loved him more than his gadgets but never showed this affection to him. He sometimes used to hit him when he used to fail the tests Herbert had given him, but in the end he always ended up giving a speech to him saying
'' Klutzy I do this for your own good, you have to AT LEAST complete these tests to help me''

After many years of training Klutzy was the mastermind in most of Herbert's plans. They both bonded closer every day even to this day they both remain good friends and partners in crime.

Just remember, new speaker, new line...

Example:

Wrong -
"Hello" Jacob Said! "Hey Man How Are you?" Asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian. "Good thanks" Jacob Replied.

Correct -
"Hello" Jacob Said
"Hey man how are you?" asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian.
"Good thanks" Jacob replied.

Ah,yes. I sometimes lose track of what I'm writing but these things you told me are certainly going to help me, Thanks!

Very Happy
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Sky Blue
Citizen Penguin

Posts : 128
Join date : 2012-11-14
Location : USA

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Re: Herbert and Klutzy's First Meeting.

Post  Nicktang10 on 28/11/2012, 9:53 am

Sky Blue wrote:
Boy Wonder wrote:Here are some Mistakes...

It was a stormy night when Herbert was sitting on a rock all alone searching for a idea that could help him DESTROY Club Penguin. Herbert never loved anyone infact not even Sensei who himself taught him when he was a cub. Sometimes he used to remember those moments with the Sensei but he never really cared about him. One day while sitting there all alone Herbert heard a clicking noise coming from over the river. He saw that a little crab was trying to swim. Herbert was not amused and he started going back. Suddenly the crab made a clicking noise which reminded Herbert of the same tune his mother used to Hum to him when he was a cub. He then quickly crossed the river and got the crab before he drowned. Herbert's heart melted because of the crab's big, watery eyes and knew that the crab felt the same pain he felt. Herbert then took him to his lab.

He did some experiments on the crab which gave him a master-piece to destroy Club Penguin, The Clicking 9000. Herbert then tried to find a name for him. At first Herbert was making weird names like Herberto or Gonzalez but then after hearing all his clicking he named him Klutzy. As Klutzy grew up he became a partner in crime for Herbert. Herbert loved him more than his gadgets but never showed this affection to him. He sometimes used to hit him when he used to fail the tests Herbert had given him, but in the end he always ended up giving a speech to him saying
'' Klutzy I do this for your own good, you have to AT LEAST complete these tests to help me''

After many years of training Klutzy was the mastermind in most of Herbert's plans. They both bonded closer every day even to this day they both remain good friends and partners in crime.

Just remember, new speaker, new line...

Example:

Wrong -
"Hello" Jacob Said! "Hey Man How Are you?" Asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian. "Good thanks" Jacob Replied.

Correct -
"Hello" Jacob Said
"Hey man how are you?" asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian.
"Good thanks" Jacob replied.

Ah,yes. I sometimes lose track of what I'm writing but these things you told me are certainly going to help me, Thanks!

Very Happy

New speaker, new line isn't that necessary all the time. It depends on how you write the story. Playscript style, use one line for one person at a time. Paragraph writing, you can use either that or regular style of writing speech.

Other than that, great job!
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Nicktang10
Bronze Penguin

Posts : 319
Join date : 2012-08-06
Age : 17
Location : Singapore

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Re: Herbert and Klutzy's First Meeting.

Post  Sky Blue on 28/11/2012, 12:18 pm

Nicktang10 wrote:
Sky Blue wrote:
Boy Wonder wrote:Here are some Mistakes...

It was a stormy night when Herbert was sitting on a rock all alone searching for a idea that could help him DESTROY Club Penguin. Herbert never loved anyone infact not even Sensei who himself taught him when he was a cub. Sometimes he used to remember those moments with the Sensei but he never really cared about him. One day while sitting there all alone Herbert heard a clicking noise coming from over the river. He saw that a little crab was trying to swim. Herbert was not amused and he started going back. Suddenly the crab made a clicking noise which reminded Herbert of the same tune his mother used to Hum to him when he was a cub. He then quickly crossed the river and got the crab before he drowned. Herbert's heart melted because of the crab's big, watery eyes and knew that the crab felt the same pain he felt. Herbert then took him to his lab.

He did some experiments on the crab which gave him a master-piece to destroy Club
Penguin, The Clicking 9000. Herbert then tried to find a name for him. At first Herbert was making weird names like Herberto or Gonzalez but then after hearing all his clicking he named him Klutzy. As Klutzy grew up he became a partner in crime for Herbert. Herbert loved him more than his gadgets but never showed this affection to him. He sometimes used to hit him when he used to fail the tests Herbert had given him, but in the end he always ended up giving a speech to him saying
'' Klutzy I do this for your own good, you have to AT LEAST complete these tests to help me''

After many years of training Klutzy was the mastermind in most of Herbert's plans. They both bonded closer every day even to this day they both remain good friends and partners in crime.

Just remember, new speaker, new line...

Example:

Wrong -
"Hello" Jacob Said! "Hey Man How Are you?" Asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian. "Good thanks" Jacob Replied.

Correct -
"Hello" Jacob Said
"Hey man how are you?" asked Charmian. Jacob then looked at Charmian.
"Good thanks" Jacob replied.

Ah,yes. I sometimes lose track of what I'm writing but these things you told me are certainly going to help me, Thanks!

Very Happy

New speaker, new line isn't that necessary all the time. It depends on how you write the story. Playscript style, use one line for one person at a time. Paragraph writing, you can use either that or regular style of writing speech.

Other than that, great job!

Thank you Nicktang! Also I do think in this case it was a little necessary.
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Sky Blue
Citizen Penguin

Posts : 128
Join date : 2012-11-14
Location : USA

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