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The Immortal God

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The Immortal God

Post  Austin4606 on 22/11/2012, 1:22 am

I was writing this story on CPCP, but i'm gonna continue it here.

Chapter 1 - The Villagers Secret

It was a bright and sunny day in the Village of Greenday, the people were peaceful.. but there was a horror behind each person that lived within.

In the cracks between the town a man by the name of Wakku lived a awkward life of his own, His father was known as The Immortal God for his wisdom... and mostly many believe cause he lived to be 98. Many legends float in Greenday of him slaying great dragons in sacred valleys!

Wakku was the last remain of his family line, his life was small.. he would spend his day watching as the alley kids play ball.

Chapter 2 - The Ancient Song

It came to be a certain day where all the villagers would come to the town center, to celebrate the death of the most FEARED Dragon ever to roam the land.

*Villagers sing a ancient song of power*
*Wakku walks out of ally house to see the villagers*

Wakku: Stop this madness!! This song must never be sung on this day! As for the great spirit may release a terrible fate upon all of you! Do you know what my father told me on this day?!

Villagers: N-No??

Wakku: On the last day of this month, the dragon will appear as one of you... and convince you to sing this exact song! Your all doomed...

The words Wakku spoke froze the villagers... there was silence...

Wakku: Fools...

*Wakku walks away in silence*

????: Hes a old man! He can't tell us what to do! Continue the song at once!!

*Villagers continue to sing*

Chapter 3 - The Day The Sky Turns Black

Coming Soon!
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Re: The Immortal God

Post  Ccpenguin8 on 22/11/2012, 12:20 pm

Nice story. Here is my official review:

5.2/10

Sorry for the poor rating, but the grammar was quite poor in my opinion. In Chapter One you were writing the story like a normal narrative and in Chapter Two you made the sudden jump into a playscript-style story. Before you write the story, you need to decide whether you're going to do it in playscript-style or not. Trust me, it's not good to keep switching in the middle of a story.

Apart from that, a few minor grammatical errors such as 'your' when it should be 'you're', but otherwise a good story. Decent plot and I liked the little bit of rhyme in Chapter One.

For more information, check out 'The Guide to Writing Stories' - a sticky in CP stories.

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Re: The Immortal God

Post  Austin4606 on 23/11/2012, 12:31 am

Ccpenguin8 wrote:Nice story. Here is my official review:

5.2/10

Sorry for the poor rating, but the grammar was quite poor in my opinion. In Chapter One you were writing the story like a normal narrative and in Chapter Two you made the sudden jump into a playscript-style story. Before you write the story, you need to decide whether you're going to do it in playscript-style or not. Trust me, it's not good to keep switching in the middle of a story.

Apart from that, a few minor grammatical errors such as 'your' when it should be 'you're', but otherwise a good story. Decent plot and I liked the little bit of rhyme in Chapter One.

For more information, check out 'The Guide to Writing Stories' - a sticky in CP stories.

Well... nice to know... you know i don't think i'll be visiting this forum much Neutral Neutral
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Re: The Immortal God

Post  Sky Blue on 23/11/2012, 2:31 pm

I'd give it a 7/10.
You wrote something different and rare which I liked but as Cc said at some stages your grammar was weak but don't let that dis hearten you continue to improve. Very Happy
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Re: The Immortal God

Post  Austin4606 on 24/11/2012, 5:46 am

Thanks. Glad to see SOMEONE likes it. Neutral Smile
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Re: The Immortal God

Post  Ccpenguin8 on 24/11/2012, 10:22 am

Austin4606 wrote:Thanks. Glad to see SOMEONE likes it. Neutral Smile

Wait one googly moogly moment.

You're planning to leave this forum because a moderator gave you a negative review? I give negative reviews all the time, unless you have perfect grammar and a perfect plotline.

You should embrace the critiscm and accept that everything is not perfect and once youmdo that, you will improve. My feedback doesn't mean I don't like your story, it just means I think you could improve.


Ccpenguin Very Happy

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2013 winner of the Best Penguin, Friendliest Penguin and Friendliest Moderator awards
2012 winner of the Friendliest Member, Favourite Member, Most Active Member, Best Posting Member and Best Moderator awards

Now a published author on the Kindle Store! Download my first eBook TODAY at [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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Re: The Immortal God

Post  Sky Blue on 25/11/2012, 8:00 pm

Ccpenguin8 wrote:
Austin4606 wrote:Thanks. Glad to see SOMEONE likes it. Neutral Smile

Wait one googly moogly moment.

You're planning to leave this forum because a moderator gave you a negative review? I give negative reviews all the time, unless you have perfect grammar and a perfect plotline.

You should embrace the critiscm and accept that everything is not perfect and once youmdo that, you will improve. My feedback doesn't mean I don't like your story, it just means I think you could improve.


Ccpenguin Very Happy

Yes, as Cc said he gives negative reviews all the time. Check my stories. Although there not NEGATIVE. Nothing can be perfect and if so can improve. Cc just tells us how we can improve. As I said earlier don't let that dis hearten you and you should continue to improve.
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