Club Penguin: SAW Trilogy

Clubpenguin: SAW Trilogy

Warning: This may contain violence


Gotchee, a rich Club Penguin business man, was coming home from work. You couldn't describe him as a good fellow. He made the life of his employees miserable, making them pay 10 coins for every mistake they did on the computer. He only cared about himself, and would do anything to make money. When he was a kid, he used to kidnap pets from their homes, and them return them to the owners to get a reward.
Anyway. Gotchee finally reached the doorstep of his igloo. He opened the door, fixed himself a soda, fed his puffles, and went upstairs to take a shower. While showering, he heard some weird noises from downstairs... ( Oh well, must be the puffles ), he said to himself, continuing what he was doing. Suddenly, a shadow appeared on the shower curtain, and the last thing Gotchee saw before falling asleep was the red face of a mullet....

Gotchee woke up in an empty office. Next to him was one of his employees, Patrick, who was still sleeping from the narcotic. He looked around, and saw a telephone on the desk. He got up and tried calling the police, but someone had cut the power lines. Then, he noticed the small record player lying next to the phone. He clicked ( play ):

* Eerie and mysterious voice * Hello Gotchee. I want to play a game. So far, you've made the lives of your surroundings a living hell. Here, I'm giving you chance to escape from your past, learn to respect the lives of other people and start a new beginning..... In your body, I have placed a bomb , which will explode in exactly 3 hours. The only way to deactive the bomb is to type the correct combination in the screen below. The combination is written on the forehead of your employee, Patrick, and the combination to deactivate Patrick's bomb is written on your forehead.. However, if you deactivate the bomb inside your body, the bomb which is hidden in your employee, Patrick, will explode. Each combination deactivates the bomb inside you, but causes the other one to explode. Make your choice, Gotchee. Will you care about yourself once again, or give your life to save another?

Stay tuned! Next part coming really soon!

Woah! Intense! (it's kinda like the hive series) Nice job! 9.5/10

I'm afraid that scores a 6.5/10 from me. There is a good plot, but the grammar was a bit shabby. You don't use brackets when somebody is speaking - you should use quotation marks/speech marks. Also, be sure to put the commas after dialogue INSIDE the speech marks, not outside them. Instead of writing '* eerie and mysterious voice *', write 'An eerie and mysterious voice said...'. Finally, when writing numbers, write in words (ten, instead of 10).

Ccpenguin

P.S Remember to read my 'Guide to Writing Stories'.

Ccpenguin8 wrote:I'm afraid that scores a 6.5/10 from me. There is a good plot, but the grammar was a bit shabby. You don't use brackets when somebody is speaking - you should use quotation marks/speech marks. Also, be sure to put the commas after dialogue INSIDE the speech marks, not outside them. Instead of writing '* eerie and mysterious voice *', write 'An eerie and mysterious voice said...'. Finally, when writing numbers, write in words (ten, instead of 10).

Ccpenguin

P.S Remember to read my 'Guide to Writing Stories'.

I dont see why I shouldnt post numbers, it saves me from writing them!

As for my grammar, English is not my native language, so its normal I made a few mistakes. Anyway, thanks for the pointers , I guess.

Gotchee wrote:

Ccpenguin8 wrote:I'm afraid that scores a 6.5/10 from me. There is a good plot, but the grammar was a bit shabby. You don't use brackets when somebody is speaking - you should use quotation marks/speech marks. Also, be sure to put the commas after dialogue INSIDE the speech marks, not outside them. Instead of writing '* eerie and mysterious voice *', write 'An eerie and mysterious voice said...'. Finally, when writing numbers, write in words (ten, instead of 10).

Ccpenguin

P.S Remember to read my 'Guide to Writing Stories'.

I dont see why I shouldnt post numbers, it saves me from writing them!

As for my grammar, English is not my native language, so its normal I made a few mistakes. Anyway, thanks for the pointers , I guess.

You shouldn't post numbers because it is improper grammar and I like good grammar . If English isn't your native language, that explains it. Sorry. But all the same, I hope my tips will help you improve a bit.

10/10 for sure i dont care about grammar this is a good story

totelyawsome wrote:10/10 for sure i dont care about grammar this is a good story

I said it was a good story, I just meant that the grammar could be improved.